Lovers Are Lunatics
by The Alice of Shredd
Summary: Aqualad can't take the heat or the smoke. Slash, Aqualad & Speedy.
1. Collapse

**Lovers Are Lunatics**

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This fanfic is completely slash-oriented, meaning it's yaoi, boy's love, boy/boy pairing—whatever term you use for it. Please do not read if you find it offensive.

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**Chapter One: Collapse**

_Aqualad_

Burning embers crashed around us two of my teammates ran through the flaming building. I pulled a small girl off the stairwell just as the ceiling crashed in around us, making my dizziness increase.

"Aqualad!" Bumblebee yelled from behind me, grabbing the brunette girl tightly. She raised her voice even more to cover the ambulance's sirens outside. "I want you to get out of here! You don't look so good!"

"This house is coming down!" Speedy shouted, leaping down from an upper level, carrying a woman and dragging a teenage boy with him. "We need to get out!"

"Is everyone out?" Bumblebee wondered loudly, holding onto my shoulder as I swayed, the colors, sounds, and heat of the flames dancing across my senses and complicating my vision.

"Yeah!" Speedy yelled. "Family of four! One's outside already and these are the other three. Dog and two cats outside and leashed, gerbil in cage being transported to an Aunt's house!"

"Great! Out, everyone!" she barked, pulling me out of the nearest doorway. I felt hot ashes fall onto my arms, a shower of pain and too much warmth raining down upon me until fresh air came at last. I inhaled sharply, my lungs unable to take in sufficient amounts of oxygen.

"Whoa!" I heard Speedy yelp from my right. I tried to look over at him, but couldn't manage to coordinate my movements. "Dude, are you okay? Can your 'lantis lungs handle that smoke? Bee, put the girl down; we're out of the flames! She's safe! Get over here! He's not-"

"No," I mumbled, tripping as my vision spun. I saw the flames again and turned the other way, only to meet with them again. "Why are we back inside?"

"We aren't," I heard Bumblebee mutter. A hand was on my shoulder, heating my skin to the extent of pain. "Aqualad, you-"

I interrupted her by pulling away from the hand. "It stings," I gasped, rubbing the sore, aching area. Without intention, my knees seemed to melt into the ground and I fell, the uncompromising asphalt stinging me.

"**Hey**!" Speedy yelled somewhere above me; I was falling forward and the last thing I knew before blackness overwhelmed me was the bitter taste of blood in my mouth.

— — — — — — — —

I realize that this chapter is quite short—they _will_ get longer, I promise.

As always, I love comments, critiques, and anything else people feel like saying in their reply.

Thank you for reading.


	2. Your Thoughts, My Thoughts

**Chapter Two: Your Thoughts, My Thoughts**

_Speedy_

I sat at the edge of his bed, my hands clasped below my chin, glancing at _him_ through my mask. Putting a hand on _his_ forehead and the other on mine, I compared our temperatures.

I was hotter.

But then a hand on my shoulder made me jump and recoil my hands.

"Come on, Speedy," Bee said, standing over me. "Mos and Menos are still visiting Cyborg for training and there's no one else at the Tower. It's almost midnight. You can come back tomorrow, if you really want to visit Aqualad, but let's go."

"I wouldn't be able to sleep, even if I did go home."

"Why couldn't you-"

I couldn't let her even attempt to guess my feelings, so I interrupted, "I feel responsible, Bee. I was the one who told him that he had to help people on the inside of the building."

"What does that…?"

"He had told me on the way there that he probably shouldn't be in the flames. Since he's so used to water, all that fire and heat—not to mention smoke—must've gotten to him. I just don't know…"

Bumblebee wrapped her arms around my neck from behind. "I'm sorry," she said shakily.

"Don't cry about it. Please. The doctors said that he would be fine by tomorrow—just a little too much flaming, smoking building for one night."

"Alright, alright," she chuckled. "I won't cry. But still…"

"If you get lonely or something, call up Cy."

She went silent and I knew, without even turning, that she was bright red. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, Bee. You know you like him."

"Now _that_ is stereotyping, Speed-freak!"

"Whatever… good night."

"Right… see you tomorrow…"

The pressure of her arms was lifted. I knew she wanted me to say goodbye again, but I didn't dare turn around. Instead, I studied _his_ face. The peace I saw was unusual, although it suited him better than anger or frustration. That sort of calm was even better than the rare joy that appeared in his expression.

I ran my fingers through my short, fiery-orange hair, sitting back in the chair. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, crossing my arms. "I hope you know that. Because if you didn't, I would…" I stopped. What was I saying? What was I _about_ to say? And yet I continued. "I… I know you know we're friends."

I stopped, standing, leaning over him. "But, honestly…" I lowered my head until I felt his shallow breaths on my skin. "I've never wanted to be your friend. You do something to me every time you speak. It's terrifying. I hate it. But," I smiled. "I love it all the same." Just as I closed my eyes and was about to lower my lips to his, the tiniest sound from behind me caught my attention.

I spun and within half a second, an arrow was cocked on the string of my bow, which was quivering to the beat of my racing heart.

But… nothing was there.

Collapsing into my seat, I put my elbows on _his_ bedside and set my head on my crossed forearms. "Maybe it was God who interrupted," I chortled almost silently. "Apparently, Adam isn't supposed to love another Adam…" I sighed and closed my eyes again. "But I don't care about what anyone thinks. Unless it's…" I paused, a yawn overtaking my thoughts. Sleep came upon me, washing away any recollections of the fire like an ebbing tide. And as I sank into slumber, I finished, "…unless it's _you_."

— — — — — — — —


	3. What Went Before

**Chapter Three: What Went Before**

_Aqualad_

I woke up around… well, sometime in the afternoon, because the sun was shining brightly through my closed eyelids, and I think it was the very next day. But I couldn't be sure until I actually asked someone.

Moving only the slightest bit, I knew something or someone was on my left arm because of the pressure. Temporarily blinded by sun as I opened my eyes, I saw Speedy with his head on his arms, his eyes closed behind his squinted mask. His breath tickled the skin under my sleeve each time he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled evenly and without any delay or skipping.

"Dude," I said, although I stopped halfway because my lungs burned. The jarring reality of the fire came back to me suddenly, the pain coming with it. Running my fingers over a blackened area of cloth on my shoulder, I winced, the spot tender.

Apparently, Speedy had felt me wince. "You're up," he stated, although it was more of a question. "You okay?"

I nodded, speechless and searching the room for anyone else. He stood as I looked back at him, wondering aloud, "Did you stay here all night? Alone?" A thought hit me. "Bee! Is she-"

"What?" he murmured sleepily. "No, no. She's fine, remember? You were the one who couldn't take the smoke. She left a while before I must have drifted off into sleep."

"Why?"

"Why? I don't know… I think the hospital scared her, quite honestly. We passed through a hallway filled to the brim with panicked patients to get here and one of them got a little too close to her. He had an eye patch that was so old, it had a hole in it and you could see the line where they had sewn over the place an eye was supposed to be."

"Then she was right to leave. That would've freaked _me_ out."

There was a silence for a moment as Speedy flicked his head around to look at me. I couldn't interpret his expression, although he brought his fingers to his mouth in some sort of… indecipherable emotion. When I opened my mouth to question him, the doctor walked in, a clipboard in her hand.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked in a monotone voice, glancing between my confused face to Speedy's unreadable one. Not even giving us a chance to answer, she smiled and said, "Good. How are you?"

I realized the question was directed at me after another moment of quiet. "Oh, uh, okay… I guess…"

She gestured for Speedy to sit again as she pulled over a stool for herself. When she was comfortable, she looked up and clicked her pen. "That's to be expected. Your burns are minor; a salve and some gauze should take care of them in a few days. But your lungs…" Now she looked at Speedy. "You and that girl said there was something strange about him, am I correct?"

"It's a condition," he said evenly without even the slightest hint of a lie. "He's fine in water but can't handle smoke or fire.

She clicked her pen again, this time impatiently. "Is this a typical occurrence, then?"

"No," I croaked. "I'm sure I'll be fine with a few days of rest. I'm fine, really. Besides a sore throat, obviously, but-"

"You sure?" Speedy interrupted, sounding worried. "I mean, the team will be o-"

"Yeah," I smiled. "Thanks, but I think I'd rather just take it easy at home."

"You seem quite knowledgeable about your case," the doctor cut in, narrowing her green eyes. "Has this happened before?"

Speedy was about to answer when I replied, "Yeah; once. A couple of years ago when I was a kid. I just need some herbal tea filled with honey, and a few no-stress days of minimal talking… I'll be all right."

"Well, then!" She beamed as she stood and began towards the door. "I'll alert the nurses that you're in good shape. Check in with the front desk to pick up medicine for your burns… You may leave as soon as you're ready. Have a nice day, gentlemen."

"You too," Speedy said, turning to me again as soon as she left. "I didn't know you'd had this happen before. I mean, weren't you down in Atlantis? Where could the fire have started?"

I shoved the sheets off me, purposely ignoring the question.

As we entered the hallway, he began to ask again. "Dude—"

"It's nothing. Ignore it. Let's just get home."

He fell into step a few paces behind me. Tension grew between us and I knew by his silence that he was thinking very deeply, far too deeply to be good. He would ask again later, I figured. But he should know better than to pry.

Was it just me, or did Speedy seem… _different_ now?

— — — — — — — —


	4. What They Don't Know

**Chapter Four: What They Don't Know**

_Speedy_

We got home via a taxi and then a boat, but throughout the trip I couldn't shake the feeling that, last night, someone had been in the hallway, watching me through the window. Thinking about it now, it seems stupid… Trying to kiss him when he was asleep? What would that have accomplished? One-sided awkwardness whenever I saw him next, I'm sure. It would make me feel even worse—forcing him to burn himself and then stealing a kiss when he couldn't even stop me.

"Speedy?" he asked as we walked through the front door of the East Tower. About to freeze in my tracks, I remembered myself and forced my feet to continued moving. After a minute or two of waiting for a reply, he said again, "Speedy?"

Hesitantly, I looked at him. "Yeah?" My steady voice betrayed my real thoughts.

"You looked out of it for a second there. Don't worry about me, okay? I'll be fine. The smoke-in-the-lungs things will go away in about a week and I'm planning on visiting Raven for the burns." After we got into the elevator, another period of soundlessness ensued. Or until a thought came to him, at least. "Are _you_ okay?"

I nodded just as the doors opened again. "I'm fine."

"Bee?" he asked, almost disregarding my reply. "You here?" He stepped through the threshold into the hall, then continued down to the main room after knocking on Bumblebee's door. He crept through the doors noiselessly and then leaned over the back of the couch. Smiling, he turned back to at me. "She's asleep!" he hissed, pointing to what must have been her.

Apparently, she wasn't asleep for long. A mumble came from below him. "Aqualad? You're back?" I saw her sit up straight and rub her eyes. "I must've fallen asleep on the couch… How are you?"

"So-so," he answered with a grin. I knew it was just to make Bee happy, but… God, I wish he could smile at me like that.

"Speedy, you've been quiet," she commented, snapping me out of my trance. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, he's been like that for a while. Just give him some alone time, I guess," he said with a laugh. "Anyway, this uniform is seriously not doing anything for my burns. They're small, yes, but… They're like you, I guess, Bee!"

"What?" she raised a brow.

"They're small, but they're killer! What I was going to say, though, is that I'm heading over to Titans Base to see if Raven can heal them, so I'm going to go change."

With that, he walked out into the hallway again, passing me as he did. It took all my strength to keep my eyes on the floor and not on him. As soon as I the door slid shut behind him, I clenched my fists for only a second before releasing them and forcing myself to relax.

"I'm going to go clean up," Bee said suddenly, rising to her feet. My eyes snapped to her as she walked up to me. "You should do the same and then figure out what your deal is."

"What?" I wondered, a feeling of dread seeping into my mind. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged loosely, although her eyes narrowed. "I don't know. You're acting… odd. Did something happen between you and-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'm just out of it. A little too tired, maybe."

Bumblebee nodded with an expression that displayed her doubt clearly. "Sure. You're just tired. See you in a few, then." And then she, too, walked out of the room.

I dropped my head. _She doesn't know_, I told myself. _She doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't…_


	5. Wounded

**Chapter Five: Wounded**

_Speedy_

As I peeled off my clothes, I realized that I, too, had a burn. It was very mild and very small; on the back of my left shoulder. "Damn," I whispered, rifling through my closet for a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. As soon as they were on, I ripped off my mask and replaced it with sunglasses. The mask was to conceal my eyes, true, but I wasn't like Robin—I didn't need to wear it twenty-four seven.

Putting on the clothes that I rarely had the chance to wear felt good; I was actually comfortable. As soon as I met up with the other two back in the main room, I smiled, realizing that they had both had the same idea. Bee was now wearing loose black pants and striped yellow and black long-sleeved shirt. It resembled her uniform quite a lot.

_He_, on the other hand, had an outfit on similar to mine. Dark jeans graced his muscular legs, baggy but fitting, and a light blue hoodie with the word 'Atlantis' on the back in black script was suspended across his broad shoulders perfectly. I had a hard time keeping my eyes elsewhere the whole ride to the Titans Base Tower.

When we arrived, though, Raven and Starfire met us at the door. With further explanation, we realized that Cyborg had taken the twins and Beast Boy to a movie while Robin was investigating a Slade lead in a neighboring city. Not wanting Starfire to be hurt, he had convinced her to stay behind with Raven. Bee immediately went with Starfire up to the main room, leaving the two of us with Raven.

"So," she said, leading us into the Infirmary. "Is today anti-uniform day or something?"

I shook me head. "No. We got burned on what you could call a fire-based mission and our uniforms are too unyielding to wear."

She nodded and looked at _him_. "You said you were the worst off?"

He grimaced. "Yeah," he coughed huskily, his voice still strange from the smoke's damage.

Raven sighed. "Alright, then. Take off your sweatshirt, at least, if not your undershirt, too."

And then, without warning, he crossed his arms and grabbed the bottom edge of both shirts, raising them above his head to reveal a taut, well-built chest. I focused on him for a single moment more before turning my attention to how calm Raven was as she stepped around him on all sides, her fingers lightly skimming each burn. "Well," she concluded, recoiling her hand. "It's not as bad as I expected. Just sit still." She put a hand on his shoulder and closed her eyes, concentrating. Before my eyes, each pink-tinged spot became skin-colored again and _he_ seemed to relax. After only thirty seconds or so, she opened her eyes again. "Good as new. Your voice, though… rest it for a while."

He nodded and reached for his shirts again, putting them on as Raven turned to me. "Now you. What injuries do you have?"

"A burn as well," I shrugged, pushing back the crimson red fabric on my shoulder. 'Not bad."

"I'm going to go see what Star and Bee are doing," _he_ announced. I resisted the temptation to watch him leave until I heard the door closed, knowing that, when it did, both he and I would be safe from myself.

Raven's cool fingertips brushed my skin, surprising me into flinching. "Sit still," she chastised. I obeyed, and as soon as her touch had come, it left. "Done," she said.

I pulled my sleeve back down. "Thanks."

Not even regarding my appreciation at all, she suddenly dipped her head with a sigh. "What else is wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied. "Why does everyone think something is wrong with me today?"

"Maybe it's because you're so obvious about it. Or maybe it's because I can read people's feelings… especially when they're strong. Did you really think you could hide your emotions from me?"

I was frozen, completely unable to will myself to move. "I don't know what you mean," I managed to stutter in a mildly even tone.

"I think you do," she shrugged, spinning on her heel to face the door. "Because every time you look at him, a surge of emotions comes into _my_ mind. And when he took off his-"

"_Raven_," I interrupted quietly. "_Stop_."

She changed her mind, it seemed, about leaving and instead sat on an Infirmary bed. I leaned against the wall across from her, studying the tiled floor with growing interest. Speaking only after multiple minutes had passed, she said, "I… I just have to ask… Do you actually _like_ him?"

I didn't right away; I took off my sunglasses and rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms. When I was done, I crossed my arms and set the back of head against the wall. "You actually have to ask? I thought you could read emotions…"

She shook her head. All went quiet; I realized that she was just as uncomfortable with the topic as I was. "Does…" she paused until I met her gaze. "Does he know that you…?"

"Of course not," I lopsidedly smiled. "I could never tell him. I could never tell _anyone_. I mean, you figured it out yourself… and I'm half relieved, half embarrassed that you did."

"Why?"

I shocked me that she was genuinely confused. "Because, well… Imagine, let's say, that _you_ liked _Starfire_. And then someone knew."

"It's not the same," she tried, although we both knew that it was, indeed, the same.

"Look," I said slowly, straightening. "Don't let me push my troubles on you. I'll be okay, so-"

"Speedy…" She lowered her cold, violet eyes. "When I said surge of emotion, I didn't just mean one. There was a speck of desire, I admit, but… it was mostly hate, spite, anger, frustration, confusion… Too much for me to decipher, and _way_ too much for a single person to handle at one time. But… that wasn't what made me worry. What _did_ was—rather, is—the amount of fear you have pent up inside. Even now, _your_ feelings are making _me_ nervous."

I opened my mouth say something but no reply came out. What could I say? Finally; "I… last night…" My unwilling voice wouldn't let me speak. "In the hospital, when _he_ was sleeping and no one else was around… I almost kissed him." I felt her stare boring holes into me, yet I continued. "I wouldn't have pulled away at the last second if I hadn't thought someone was watching. So, no, just being near him is nerve wrecking. And what's worse… He's utterly clueless to the whole thing, so he keeps asking me what's wrong! And… and…" I couldn't go on. Dropping my head in misery, Raven finished for me.

"And you couldn't even tell him…"

I nodded. "Rae, I'm sorry. Just forget the whole thing. I don't what you to have to deal with-"

Just then, the door slid open without warning. We both jumped.

"Are we interrupting?" Bumblebee asked, leaning into the doorway with _him_ following right behind. With a look at Raven's and my expressions, she narrowed her eyes. "Alright, what's going on in here? It feels like a funeral."

"N-nothing," I stumbled over my words. "We were just talking about…. Just talking. Why? Are we leaving already?"

"Yeah," _he_ replied. "Let's go…"

I shot Raven a meaningful glance. "We'll finish this later."

She nodded and, getting to her feet stiffly, said, "I'll call you. Bye, you three."

I raised a hand in acknowledgment. Bee prodded me until I left the room and started to the roof, where our ship was waiting.

Starfire waved us off, grinning cheerfully as ever.

_If only she knew._


	6. Poke the Speedy

**Chapter Six: Poke the Speedy**

_Aqualad_

"So," I said slowly to Speedy, holding out the 'o'. We were walking to our respective rooms; Bee had already vanished. "She'll _call you_, hunh?"

He cringed as if I had hit him and didn't laugh or smile at all. "Yeah," he said at last. "So?"

"What is she, your girlfriend?" I began to walk backwards so that we were face-to-face. "Spee-dy and Ra-ven, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I--"

"_No_," he stated commandingly. "We just need to finish talking."

"What intense things were you two talking about, anyway? Bee was right; it looked like someone had _died_." I laughed.

He… didn't. After a few seconds had passed, he sighed, stopping in front of his bedroom door. "I… I just need to think."

A flit of concern came into my mind. I frowned. "I know we've already discussed this, but is something bothering you? You've been totally weird since we left the hospital." A thought hit me. "Dude, it's not your fault that I got hurt, alright? Don't worry about-"

"That's not—just leave me alone," he groaned, entering his room. I stopped the door before it slid shut.

"I just want to know what's going on!" I reached out a hand to touch his shoulder. "Hey-"

He spun on me and, before I could see him move, the tip of an arrow was pointed between my eyes, the end of it cocked on a quivering string. Speedy looked… frightened. I couldn't tell if it was fear of me or fear of something else—himself, maybe—but it was clear that whatever he and Raven had been talking about was something serious.

"What's going on?" Bumblebee's voice yelled from my right. Only moving my eyes, I managed to see her rushing towards us. She shoved Speedy's arrow away from me and stood between us. Facing him, she shouted, "What is going on with you today!"

He only blinked. "I…"

"Aqualad," Bee ordered, pointing down the hallway to my room without taking her eyes off Speedy. "Your room. Right now."

I nodded and began walking, wondering what actually _was_ going on with him today.

— — — — — — — —

I'm sorry it took so long to upload this… ;;

The title is a reference to the weird little game, "Poke the Bunny." (It's online somewhere—go look it up.) You press a button that makes a hand poke a bunny, but when you poke it too much or too fast the bunny turns around and CHOMPs on your finger.


	7. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

**Chapter Seven: Out of Sight, Out of Mind**

_Speedy_

Bumblebee shoved me into my room and practically killed the panel of buttons when she punched it to make the door close. "Speedy," she started, quieting herself. "Look. I… I _know_."

I froze and almost dropped my bow as the arrow clattered to the floor next to me. "Ex… excuse me?"

She rubbed her temples. "Last night, Speedy. At the hospital."

"What _about_…?"

"I doubled back to tell you something about the vending machines outside. And when I got to Aqualad's room, I saw you-"

Right then, I knew. Holding up my free hand to stop her from continuing, I whispered, "Bee. Don't."

She stepped closer. "Speedy, I…" Silence overcame her as she thought in earnest. "I just want to know if you were really going to…"

I knew she didn't want to say it. "Yes," I murmured, turning away from her. "If I hadn't thought I had heard something—you, presumably—I would've kissed him."

No sound came from behind me; I looked over my shoulder and saw her standing absolutely still, a mix of sympathy and disgust in her expression. "I _knew_ it," she said almost sadly. "And if it's true that you… _like_ him, then why did you just threaten to shoot him?"

"I _had_ to, Bee," I reasoned, whirling on her. "I _have_ to push him away! I _have_ to hate him! He can't _ever_ know! Imagine if he found out; he would never speak to me again!"

"But why do you have to keep your distance?"

"You wouldn't understand," I sighed. "When I'm around him… I go crazy. I can't relax. I have to control myself from doing or saying something that would give away the fact that I like him!"

"Or else…?" she wondered.

"Or else… I might do something stupid like the hospital thing again! You don't get it, Bee! I might _hurt him_!"

She began to look a bit scared. "Calm down, Speedy. You wouldn't-"

"Yes, I would!" I cried, throwing my hands emphatically. "When a guy likes a girl, he might rape her or something because he _loves_ her and he wants _her_ to love _him_, too! It's just the same! I'm…" I stopped to catch my breath, already beginning to feel frustrated tears boiling in my eyes. "I'm afraid that I can't protect him from _myself_!"

She bowed her head with closed eyes. "I don't know what to say…" she muttered with a sarcastic laugh. "I don't think I can even help… I guess you should just relax and try your best not to get near Aqualad."

"Don't you think I'm _trying_ to stay away?" I moaned, swaying hopelessly. Her hand on my arm steadied me.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Raven. She figured it out herself; I didn't—couldn't—tell her."

"Good," Bee said approvingly.

"Good? What's _good_?"

She winked and started back into the hallway. "Imagine if… Beast Boy knew."

I smiled, shaking my head. "Yeah, that would be seriously problematic. I'm going to hang in here for a while. See you later."

She nodded and disappeared down the hall as the door slid shut again.

Wondering if Raven and Bee were going to talk about me in private, I smirked and headed towards my dresser. I took off my t-shirt and turned so that the mirror reflected my back. I ran three fingers over the back of my shoulder, admiring Raven's handiwork. The skin looked normal. There wasn't any injury left on it, nor was it different from the surrounding skin. I smiled again, collapsing onto my bed.

"Maybe I just need to… _relax_..." I closed my eyes, about to drift into sleep when--

"Speedy? I saw Bumblebee leave—is everything okay?"

Oh, god. It's _him_. The very person that I _didn't_ need to see.

"Are you there?" His knuckles tapped the door once, twice, three times before he said my name again. "Speedy?" Without warning, I heard the door slide open and muffled footsteps on the carpeting. A loud _snap_ heightened my senses; I remembered the fallen arrow that now lay in two pieces. "You asleep?"

I cracked one eye open in reply, but then closed it again as my heart leapt into motion at the sight of him, three paces away.

"Sorry 'bout the arrow," he said, closer. Then, something blocked the light. My eyes shot open to see him leaning over me slightly, an unusually worried tenseness displayed across his features. "You're… tired?"

I sat up instantly. "Whoa," I mumbled under my breath, pushing myself away from him quickly.

He straightened himself, hanging his thumb from his jeans pocket. "You're… awfully edgy." He took a step back as he rolled his eyes. "And I don't want to get shot. So…" He raised a brow. "What did Bee say?"

"Nothing of importance," I stammered, just becoming conscious of the fact that I hadn't replaced my shirt. "She just told me off. Why?"

"Why?" he repeated. "Why? _Why?_ Because, Speedy, ten minutes ago, you had an arrow against my forehead! Do you think I don't want to know why?" He stopped for a moment to think, but soon continued. "While we're on the subject… _why_ are you suddenly so nervous? _Why_ do you always seem to be in secret conversations? _Why_ do I have the feeling that what Bee said _was_ important or that is has to do with what Raven was talking about? And _why_ do you keep looking at me like you're _scared_?"

I didn't know how to answer. _I'm not nervous _or_ scared!_ could be one response. Another; _I'm freaking out because, well, I'm in love with you. _But I had the sneaking suspicion that he wouldn't like either of those answers… so silence reigned, although I _did_ stand to meet his gaze.

"Well?" he demanded.

"You want to know why I'm so… _off_ today?" I asked, my voice steady but low with strain. I took a step closer to him and he took a step back. Another for me, another for him. In only about thirty seconds, he was in the hallway and I just inside the threshold of my room.

"Yeah, if you didn't catch it the first time," he retorted. His eyes glittered, impatient to know my secrets, although there was a hint of hesitation in them.

"Well," I whispered as I began trembling noticeably. The thought of actually telling him how I felt raced through my mind; seriously meant this time. I imagined the scenario; I would lean into him, a bewildered look would cross his face, but as soon as I touched him he'd—

_He'd what?_ _Kiss me back? _I disgusted myself by just thinking that.

"_Well_?" A pause, and then, "Speedy, you're… shaking." He rested a hand on my shoulder and pushed me slightly back, forcing me to stand straighter. "What happened?"

Another pause. I was too busy contemplating the outcomes of different actions I could take right then. I wasn't oblivious—oh, no. Rather, his hand on my bare skin heightened my senses.

"Speedy?"

Maybe I could kiss him and then commit suicide…? At least I'd die happily…

"Is there anything I can do to help, at least?"

That snapped me back to reality. Finally focusing on him, I slapped his hand away. "Help?" I breathed. Maybe… maybe the best medicine would be to— "Stay away," I told him. "Don't talk to me, don't purposely get within three feet of me, don't—"

"Sure," I heard him say. My eyes shot up to meet his; he continued, beginning his walk down to the main room. "I'll stay away. I don't know why, but I can deal with that. See you later… but I guess I won't."

Partially stunned, I closed my door, drawing back from it and then falling backwards into my bed. _Great, Speedy,_ I told myself. _You just pushed him away… again._

_It was for the best,_ the other half of me argued. _Now, you don't have to feel so stressed!_

**I had never been more wrong in my life, as I would very soon find out.**

— — — — — — — —

This entire chapter is, in so many ways, a metaphor of something… I wanted to name it Metaphoric Angst, but that title wouldn't have anything to do with the actual content, so… ah, well.


	8. He's Getting the Wrong Idea

**Chapter Eight: He's Getting the Wrong Idea**

_Aqualad_

"What is his deal?" I said for the fourteenth time (or was it the fifteenth?) in my ramble to Bumblebee. "I mean, first he spends the night in the hospital—alone—which is already idiotic 'cause that place is creepy, then he gets all worked up about something, then he's practically _on_ Raven, then-"

"He wasn't even standing next to her," Bumblebee pointed out, shrugging as she took a seat on her bed.

"Well… yeah… but… _Anyway_, then he's got an arrow to my forehead, and then he looked like he's terrified of me or something, and now he says he doesn't want to even talk to me! _What is with him!_" I rubbed my temples, leaning back against the nightstand. "Bee, you talked to him—why is he so… _insane-asylum_ now?"

She took a moment to answer. "He's not… feeling…"

"He feels perfectly fine!" I laughed harshly. "Raven just healed him up! Hell, my lungs even feel better because of her! No—this is something wrong with his _attitude_!"

"Aqualad," Bee began. "Just… leave him alone. He's trying."

"He's trying _what_? To get me so annoyed that just…" I groaned and fell back onto the bed next to Bumblebee. "I don't know. He, being all antsy like this, just gets on my nerves."

"Why?"

"Because he's usually so vain and… Oh, I give up. I don't know why." I looked over to her; she was _laughing_. Cocking a brow, I inquired, "What's so funny?"

She waved a hand at me, covering her mouth with the other. "Sorry," she giggled. "You just… sound so _worried_ about him, it's hilarious…"

I rolled my eyes and pushed her shoulder. "He's a team member, and if you were a decent leader you'd be worried too."

She shoved me in reply. "Yeah, but if he asked me to stay away, I wouldn't get all angry about it!"

I stood up as I fell off the edge of the bed. With a laugh, I asked, "Do you want to fight me, Bee? Do ya?"

She shrunk down to insect-size and flew directly at my face. Swatting her away, knocking her onto her dresser, I pinned her with a few fingers. "Get off!" she yelped, pushing at my palm. In one smooth move, she returned to her normal size and sent me stumbling backwards with a kick. "Oh--" she laughed, tripping over my foot.

Bumblebee landed with a thud next to me and before she could even think about kicking me again, I rolled on top of her. Keeping her hands away, I managed to kneel over her, leaning forward with a mocking smile.

But just then, the door opened and Speedy's voice wondered, "Hey Bee, do you know if—"

He stopped short as my gaze fell on him and his on I. Bee sat up quickly, heaving me back as she clambered to her feet. "Speedy!" she laughed nervously. "What's-"

"I… I'll come back later," He retreated into the hallway again, stumbling on both his feet and his words as his unmasked eyes flitted between the direction of his room and me. "Nevermind…"

"Speedy," Bee and I both said, venturing towards him.

"Nevermind, I said!" He turned on the heel of his yellow boots, slinking away as quickly as possible.

The door closed, and Bumblebee prodded me forward. "Go after him!"

I spun on her. "Me? Why? He specifically told me not to go near him or talk to him!"

She put her hands on her hips, dangerously close to her stinging, yellow Bs. "So?"

I nodded in resignation. "Fine; I'll go talk to him. But it won't—"

"Go!" She shooed me out the door.


	9. Together At Sunset

**Chapter Nine: Together At Sunset**

_Speedy_

Standing on the roof of our Tower, I watched the sunset begin, the warm colors mixing with the blacks, blues, and purples. The orange sun sank slowly, ever so slowly. A nearly full moon rose on the opposite corner of the sky, pale against the dark sky that was, on the opposite side, a rainbow.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

I winced, closing my eyes and dipping my head. _It is,_ I longed to answer. _As is something else._

"I can see why Robin gets up so early to watch sunrises… but sunsets have always been better for me. They symbolize the end of one day, and the beginning of another soon to come."

"Poetic," I said as calmly as I could, turning only my head to look at him through the corner of my eye. I watched him come to stand by my side—a few feet off, as he had promised, but close enough to send a feverish wave of lust through me. "But I agree."

But then there was a stillness that settled over us, a sort of agreement in which neither of us spoke nor moved—we just watched. When the last beam of sunlight had moved below the horizon and the last speck of flaming orange had disappeared, I sighed and turned to him. A sentence formed on my tongue, timid and yet eager to be let out. "Aqualad," I said slowly.

The first time I had said his name since this all began.

He looked over at me. His eyes were twinkling from the moon's light and his own happiness. They were full of trust and honesty… neither of which I had. "Yeah?" he asked, a flicker of a smile crossing his expression before he hid it again.

I opened my mouth to speak. "I…"

_Haven't you already worried him enough? Forced enough of your own pain onto him? Dragged him down with you?_

He blinked, patiently awaiting my reply. "You… _what_?"

_You want to hurt him more? Then tell him you like—no, love him._

"I can't," I said in an undertone to myself.

"Speedy," he spoke, touching my shoulder. "If you can't tell me what's bothering you, I can't help. And I know you've told Bumblebee—although she's not too keen on being of any assistance. So… tell me."

I looked from his hand to his smiling face. "I'd betray you," I whispered, stepping out of his reach. "I'd hurt you."

_You only hurt the ones you love._

"What?" His gaze softened.

"…Getting what I want." I turned to go towards the door when a warm, gloved hand caught my elbow, forcing me to turn.

"_Tell me_." He was looking right through me in attempt to decipher my expression. And then he came closer again, his hand still gently holding my arm.

"Don't touch me," I ordered softly, although I shortened the distance between us with a shuffle. Looking up, I dispassionately added, "Go away…"

"You don't want me to," he answered. I couldn't tell if that's what I imagined—if it was a dream—or if it had really been said. Looking slightly down at me, he tilted his head forward and narrowed his dark eyes. "I can't tell what you want."

"What I want?" My heartbeat began to drum against the surrounding ribcage as a mixture of nervousness and anticipation. "I…" Leaning ever nearer with my eyes fixed on the ground— "I want…"

His grip on my arm tightened. "Speedy?"

"Sorry," I mumbled, recoiling. "I didn't mean to-"

"Speedy," he said again, determined to get his point across. "Stop apologizing and look at me when you talk."

"But—" I was interrupted by his hand on my chin pushing it up so my eyes locked with his. "I can't-"

A quick twitch of his head silenced me. His eyes suddenly changed from trusting and honest to desperate; a wanting sort of glare overflowed from them.

"Aqualad," I said slowly, raising a hand to the one touching my face. I watched in mild horror as he leaned closer, his eyes closing, tilting his head ever so slightly. I couldn't find the will to move closer or farther—just to stand still in a bewildered daze. Within seconds, his unsteady breath was hot and trembling on my face. His lips were almost at mine when his eyes shot open and his shoved me back, shaking his head roughly. Brow intensely furrowed, he stumbled backwards, finally turning a good six feet away before he raced into the door of the Tower.


	10. Spontaneity

Sorry for the delay—I didn't realize how behind I got with these chapters…

Expect a number of chapters appearing in the near future. (I'll tell you when we're done catching up…) We shall call it "TAOS's Magical Steak of Updated-ness!"

————————

**Chapter Ten: Spontaneity**

_Aqualad_

I couldn't see or hear, it seemed, as I ran through the hallway to my room. "What the hell?" I asked myself, locking my bedroom door. My words were slurred and I couldn't manage to think straight.

_Did I just… try to kiss… Speedy?_

_Furthermore, when did I start_ liking _him?_

"No," I moaned, collapsing next to my bed, unable to find the will to stand. "I don't! I didn't! I never… He's a guy, I'm a guy…"

**Then why did you do it?** a voice wondered.

_I don't know. I don't know! He was just…_ there _It was just spontaneous or something!_

**Spontaneous?**

_Yes!_

**Since when do you do spontaneous things? And do they always have to involve kissing guys?**

_Shut up! I have no idea why I did what I just did!_

**Admit it. You** _like_**the guy.**

_I do not!_

**Then why did you try to kiss him?**

I didn't know how to answer my own question. I was worried about Speedy, sure, but that was because he was my friend! And friends worry about each other!

**Friends?**

"If we're friends," I whispered almost inaudibly, "Then why am I suddenly thinking that he's…"

I stopped myself. _No._

**No, what?**

_I refuse to like him—Speedy's my friend, and…_

**You saw his face when you were about to kiss him, didn't you? He looked terrified… and relieved.**

I knew it was true. But it couldn't be—wouldn't be! _I'm not… gay, though!_ I argued. _That would be-_

"Hey," a voice said, accompanied by a knock on the door. "What was that about?"

_Not him, not him, not him…_

————————

Please review once you're all the way up-to-speed… (This was an awkward place to stop, I know…)


	11. Departure

**Chapter Eleven: Departure**

_Speedy_

My mind was racing as I knocked on the door, terrified that he would answer, more terrified that he wouldn't. "Dude, talk. Are you alive in there?" A flicker of anxiety crossed my thoughts. "You didn't do anything to yourself, did you?"

I realized how strange that sounded, and shut my mouth.

"Yes," he answered. His voice was hoarse again, but not from an injury. "I'm alive."

A breath of relief caught in my throat. My hand shook as I put it on the wall to support myself.

"…barely," he added quietly, seeming confident I couldn't hear.

I was going to answer when I realized he probably just wanted to be left alone, like I had when I was in the same situation. It was ironic, or very nearly, but somehow I couldn't find it funny. "Listen," I said through the door. "Just tell me what's going on in your head."

"Like I'd do that!" he snapped. At least he wasn't completely in shock. "Go away…"

"I want to know what you're thinking."

"Yeah, well, _I_ don't want to _think_ about what _I'm_ thinking."

I bit my lip and rolled my eyes needlessly. "Why?"

"Because I know I'm not gay!"

It may have had the same effect if he had punched me. "Why…" I cleared my throat. "Why would you think otherwise?"

"Are you _stupid_?" he yelled. I heard something break in his room—glass?

"Aqualad—open the door!"

"Make me! Go away!"

"You sound like a child."

"Speedy, you're a _bastard_! Get away from me!"

My eyes widened in surprise. _Where did_ that _come from?_ "Now I'm _really_ wondering what's going on in your head."

"Yeah, well, go wonder elsewhere!"

"Why don't you go be moody elsewhere, then? C'mon—open the door and _talk_!"

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk?" I heard him slide his window open and then footsteps on the windowsill. "Well, I'll take your advice—and leave!"

"Aqualad!" I pounded on his door, running off a stream of curses. Eventually, I slammed an energy arrow into the panel neat to the doorway. The hallway lights flickered and flashed, but the door sparked and slid open in time for me to see him dive gracefully out of his window. "Stop!" I yelled, grabbing for him.

He was already plummeting towards the water by the time I was halfway out the window, leaning out to look down. I didn't care about the fall—he'd done it before, and seemed to like diving from such heights. He'd hit the water anyway.

Rather, I cared that he might be leaving.

I felt helpless as he hit the water, a tiny splash spraying up from his perfect dive. His form appeared again, just below the surface, checking to see if I had leaped out after him. Seemingly satisfied, his shadow sped toward the nearest port city on the mainland. As he got farther away from the Tower, a sinking feeling came over me.

_He's just leaving for a few hours,_ I told myself, clambering back into the room. I reached out to the nightstand to catch my balance when a searing pain ripped across my hand and wrist. Turning my gaze to look, I saw a picture frame on the floor, its picture ripped in two laying next to it, and the glass of the frame scattered everywhere.

I sat upright, mindlessly pulling a long chunk of glass from my wrist, not even blinking at the blood. The picture frame had held a picture of the team; Bumblebee in the center, Mos y Menos on her left side, and Aqualad on her right. I was standing next to him, the only one not happily crowding in. Instead, I had crossed my arms and, at the time of the picture, had been looking down at Aqualad. To anyone who was oblivious, it would seem like a skeptical look, but if someone understood what I had been thinking, they would've realized it was a wholly different emotion.

"I heard a crash—" Bumblebee called, stepping through the door.

I turned to look at her, my head spinning. I raised a hand in greeting, feeling something warm slide down my arm and drip onto the carpet.

"Where's Aqualad?" she yelped, reaching for my hands. I winced away, dizzy.

"He left…"

I felt the darkness flood over my senses and then a falling sensation, all the while hearing hushed cries of someone far away, asking me _Why?_

'_Because of him,'_ I tried to answer, but my voice was lost in the crashing, pounding sirens in my head.


	12. Type

**Chapter Twelve: Type**

_Aqualad_

My head was a mess. Never before had I been so confused over a girl, so why did one _guy_ do this to me? Why had he hung out the window after I dove out? Why did he say he's _betray_ me if he told me what was on his mind? Why didn't he resist when I tried to kiss him? Why had he become so apologetic, so _scared_ to be around me?

Why was I so bothered by it? Why did I suddenly care so much what I did when I was around him? Why was I analyzing every word he spoke, every move he made?

I groaned, sending bubbles flying towards the surface. I swam deeper, faster, annoyed with myself. A group of fish began following me; I pushed myself to outrun them.

_Get away from me!_ I thought to them when it was clear they could easily keep up. I increased speed, leaving them behind me, stunned.

That's what I had said to him—_'Get away from me!'_

I had called him stupid. A bastard, too.

Oh, god. Why the _hell_ did my conscience have to kick in _now_?

I was too deep in the water—the bottom was feet away. I dove down, touched it, and the pushed off towards the surface, eyes on the beach above me. I hoped the exertion would kill me.

But it didn't—I flopped onto the empty beach, half out of the water. I opened my eyes to see the moon lighting up the sky. My ragged breaths were drowning out the sound of the traffic, but they eventually evened out, leaving my heard pounding in my ears.

I closed my eyes again, putting my hands behind my head. It seemed so unnatural to me to be upset, especially about someone as idiotic as Speedy. But… was he really that idiotic?

Groaning, I sat up. This alone time wasn't helping.

I dragged myself to my feet, my jeans weighed down with water. I reached for my communicator but realized that I hadn't put it in my pocket.

_Damn. Bumblebee's gonna kill me._

With another sigh, I trudged up the dark path to the road, skimming the shops for a clothing store. There was one still open—within a few minutes, I had found another hoodie, a pair of converse, and a pair of jeans. Throwing the bag with my wet clothes in it under the dock at the beach, I went into the city, ready to forget everything that had happened.

A club's pounding music drew me in. It was a Thursday night, but the weekend seemed to start early for the mob of people inside. There was a live band performing, the main singer a black-haired girl in a leather jacket, the rest of the band hidden in dim purple light. They were playing a rock song with a catchy guitar riff. I tried to understand the lyrics, which made me concentrate on something other than Speedy.

It wasn't until twenty minutes later, when I was sitting in a shadowed table at the edge of the club that my thoughts wandered back to him. But the issue didn't seem as pressing as it had earlier—were the drinks alcoholic?

_No matter_, I decided as two attractive girls came walking up to the table, giggling quietly. I watched them—one was prodding the other, obviously indicating her to look at me. I looked down at my glass, sipping the last of it before rising to my feet. I didn't get three steps before the brunette of the pair—the other was blonde—tugged on the sleeve of my hoodie. "Excuse me," she asked unsurely, glancing to her friend who stood back a step or two, watching curiously. "Are you… part of Titans East?"

"What if I am?" I asked quietly, smiling at both of them. There was no doubt in my mind that the drinks had alcohol in them.

"I knew it!" cried the blonde, shooting forward past her friend. "You're Aqualad!"

I nodded and began walking, interested to see whether they followed.

They did. "I'm Heather." She gestured to the brunette. "This is Natalie—but she likes Speedy better. I like—"

"Is Speedy here?" Natalie interrupted, much more calmly. She looked around, and then turned back to me. "But you came in alone, didn't you?"

"Yeah… Speedy… he's being difficult right now."

"Is he okay?"

A shiver ran through me, as if that question meant something more than it should've. But it was just a question. "Yeah, he's fine." But was he? He had been hanging out the window when I'd left… what if he _had_ jumped, after I'd gone away?

"Are _you_ okay/" Natalie wondered, again making the question seem more important than it was.

"I'm fine," I said, walking past them, towards the doorway. "I need to go."

"Wait!" Heather caught my arm and yanked it, sending me off balance. I crashed backwards into her, putting out a foot to steady myself before turning on her.

"What?" I managed to ask without yelling. My pulse was throbbing in my head to the beat of the music, making me want to bolt for the doorway.

"Can you dance with me? It's the end of this song, and I asked the DJ to play a slow song just so we could dance. Couldn't you? Please?" Her eyes were desperately pleading. "Please?"

"Heather, back off…" Natalie sunk into a chair with a sigh. "If he doesn't want to…"

"Won't you dance? Just this once, and then I swear I'll let you leave…!"

I gestured towards the dance floor just at the moment that the song cut into a slow song, as she had predicted. "Fine. One dance."

Her face lit up and suddenly I was in the middle of the dance floor, her hands guiding mine to her waist before they clasped behind my neck. She smiled, and took a tiny step, beginning the rocking motion that I immediately grew tired of. Why had I agreed to dance with a _fangirl_?

"So," she said, before one minute of the song had passed. I looked down at her—my eyes had been roaming the blackness behind her. "There are some interesting rumors about your team floating around…"

"Oh, really?" I chuckled. "Like what?"

"Like… your team leader is, like, a prostitute to the rest of you, and to Cyborg over at the other base…"

I stopped moving, glaring at her. "Bee is _not_ a prostitute. She only likes Cyborg, and that's not really getting anywhere anyway."

"Hey, I wasn't saying she was. I just said that was a _rumor_. Like… another one is that the twins are really shapeshifters from the nearby circus, and they're actually in the performing group of flexible oriental girls." She giggled and rolled her eyes. "But I think the most ridiculous one of all is that you and _Speedy_ are dating! I mean, what kind of _idiot_ would think _that_?" She stopped laughing when she realized I wasn't. I must've looked horrified, or something like it—she relaxed her arms and let them fall limply to her sides. "You aren't dating each other… right?"

"Of course not," I said, shaking my head. "That was just… unexpected."

She put her arms around my neck again, this time bringing herself closer. I could feel her breath warm in my face, one hand sliding down my collarbone and resting on my chest. "I'm glad you like girls," she laughed. Her voice was low and quiet; seductive.

But it wasn't. This girl—I wasn't attracted to her. I let my eyes wander the crowd and caught sight of a girl wearing only just enough to cover herself. She was pretty, yes—but not attractive.

I looked back at Heather, who seemed expectant, and felt the need to prove something to myself. I dipped my head, lightly kissing her.

And instantly, I released my hands from her waist, pulling away. "Sorry," I murmured. "But I don't like you like that."

"But… _you_ kissed _me_!"

I smiled and raised a hand in farewell, weaving through the people until I reached the door. I crossed the street, going back to the beach, lying down in the sand and waited for it to sink it.


	13. Siren

**Chapter Thirteen: Siren**

_Aqualad_

And sink in, it did. Heather wasn't my type. No—_girls_ weren't my type. That meant… oh, god. Then… I really did try to kiss Speedy? Did I _like_ him?

_No_, a voice in my head argued.

But what other reason could there be? And is that why I've been concerned about everything I did, and said?

A blaring siren broke into my thought process, forcing me to push the issue aside. I leaped over the barrier between the beach and the grass next to the road, and as soon as the cruiser passed me, it began slowing down. _What?_ I wondered, stepped quickly toward it, shocked when Bee got out of the back.

"Aqualad, you ass, _get in the car_!" She was _screaming_.

"What's wrong?" I asked, although I obeyed and got in on the other side. I knew she would be mad at me for leaving without telling her, but this was unreasonable.

"Drive, dammit!" she yelled at the cop in the driver's seat, who put the siren back on and made a messy U-turn before racing up the road. "What did you do to him? To Speedy!" she shouted, directing her attention to me again. "What idiotic thing did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" I said instinctively. "Bee, calm down! All I did was go talk to him, _like you asked_, and then he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and I—"

"You _what_?"

"I… I just got a little mad and went back to my room… but he followed me, and then I jumped out the window, and he tried to stop me. But he didn't jump after me." I stopped there, hoping she wouldn't inquire how I got a 'little mad'.

"What do you mean, you got a little mad?"

_Just my luck._ "I… I did something stupid. I didn't yell at him or punch him or anything. I just did something stupid. Anyway, why does it matter?"

"Because I came into your room, wondering what the crash was, and I found him standing there like nothing happened, with—"

"Why is that a big deal?"

"Because his wrist was covered in blood, and he had a huge shard of glass in his hand, along with a few other little pieces embedded in his skin, and he _didn't seem to care_! He was just standing there, looking at some ripped picture, and then he fainted from losing so much blood! Aqualad, _what did you do_?"

I felt my mouth hanging open, but I couldn't close it. Cut his wrists? Not Speedy. No—there must've been a mistake. Why would _I_ have such an influence on him? And he's not an idiot… So why—

"Aqualad!" A sharp slap across the face gained her my attention. "Are you listening? Do you even _care_?"

"Yes—I care—where is he now?"

"He was in intensive care when I left—the nurses said there was really nothing I could do for him, so I came to get you! They had to take out the glass from his arm—it seems he impaled himself with it, or something—and then they had to go through all of these procedures with the cuts… And he needed a blood transfusion… Will you just tell me what you did?"

The driver took a sudden turn; we had arrived at the hospital. "Really, Bee… I didn't do anything bad to him. I need to talk to him."

"Of course you do!" she shrieked. "But you can't until he's healed enough to be mentally stable!"

"What? Why?"

She rolled her eyes, exasperated. "Because you're the cause of all this! Maybe you're too damn stupid to notice, but he—" She stopped short and groaned, practically kicking the car door open. I hadn't realized we'd stopped, but as I reached to get out she slammed the door shut. Bee tapped on the front window, and the cop rolled it down. "Take him to the dock, and make sure he starts back toward the Tower!"

"Bee? Wait, can't I—"

Her glare silenced me. "You aren't coming. Go clean up the glass in your room. I won't be back until tomorrow."

"But I need to talk to him!"

"Last time you 'talked' to him, he ended up slitting his wrists. You've done enough damage for one day." She whirled to face the hospital entrance and disappeared through the doors.

"Hey, kid, put your seatbelt on. This ain't no bus."

Limply, I sank back into my seat, putting my seatbelt on. I felt heavy, as if the world had suddenly collapsed and it was entirely my fault. Was it? If I hadn't been careless enough to try to kiss him…


	14. Trigger

**Chapter Fourteen: Trigger**

_Aqualad_

It took forever to swim back to the Tower, and when I was inside I was oddly cold. I barely remembered taking a shower—I just seemed to get to the couch, dressed in the loosest clothing I had. But even then, the neck of my shirt was too tight around my throat. I yanked at it, trying to breathe, and managed to stretch it out further than it was already.

Time didn't seem to pass. The clock hit midnight—I wasn't paying attention to it before then—and after that, the second hand crept to each number, the slow ticks embedding themselves into my head.

Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick.

It was unbearable to sit there in the silence, dripping wet, shivering, not knowing what was happening in the hospital. I wanted to call Bee, ask her, but I was afraid of what she might tell me.

To make matters worse, it started to rain. Droplets ran down the huge windows, blurring the blackened sky. Mist began to swirl at the surface of the water, foreshadowing something. It was a horror film, when you can feel the suspense rising, the nervousness knotting in your stomach.

I found myself in the bathroom, an elbow on the lid of the toilet, my head resting awkwardly on my tensed shoulder. I sat up slightly, nauseous but trying to dull the stiff pain in my neck.

Had I thrown up? I vaguely figured that I hadn't, but the possibility that I had gone into shock, or was in the midst of it, crossed my mind.

And then I was on my bedroom floor, laying on my stomach, meticulously picking up the shards of glass and putting them onto the broken picture frame. It occurred to me that the pieces had blood on them, and a pressure in my chest forced me upright. I couldn't breathe again. I couldn't get enough oxygen, and the weight pressed in on all sides, while I managed to be ripped apart at the same time.

The sensation faded when I realized that Speedy's blood was on the carpet. The blood on the fragments of glass was my own—my thumb was slowly trickling a stream of crimson down into my palm.

I was on my feet in a flash, unsure of what I was doing, where I was going. I went down through the levels of the Tower, stopping at the floor with the storage rooms for everything. I couldn't figure out what I was doing there, but the silently evil voice in my head was prodding me down the hallway, slowly at first until I started to run. I recklessly flew around corners, searching for the door that would quench the voice's thirst. I think I slammed into a wall. It only registered a minute or two later, but no pain came.

I finally screeched to a stop, leaning on the wall for support, out of breath and suffocating again. The pressure on my chest tightened uncomfortably.

"Confiscated Items," I panted, staring in horror up at the door, pushing through it anyway as soon as my shaking fingers pressed in the unlock code. The room was dimly lit by small lights which seemed to set the scene the voice had written.

I stalked past row upon row of gadgets, trinkets, and books, but took a sharp right, heading toward the area that I wanted to go to, out of a mix of masochism and terror. I knew, somewhere deep in my head, that this was idiotic. That I was only doing it to prove a twisted point to myself. That I just needed to test the limits of my will, to realize that this was reality, and not a nightmare.

I eased the pane of glass out of the way, took a breath, and reached for the simplest gun in the weapons case.

To say that I had little knowledge about pistols was overstating the fact that I was clueless. But that didn't mean I hadn't pried the one I was holding from the hands of a thief during the break-in of Jump City Bank. It didn't mean that I couldn't just pull the trigger and shoot something.

It was loaded, I noticed, letting out a low, smug chuckle. And that was good. I knew that the gun was specially made to exclude any sort of safety mechanism, I knew what the bullets looked like, and I knew how far it could fire accurately. But I didn't know how to load the thing at all.

My finger played on the trigger, my throat tightening in fear of the object. My heart was pounding from the sheer thrill of holding such a dangerous thing. From all the times we had fought dangerous villains, it was ridiculous to receive such a rush from merely handing a gun. But I was in control during all these fights. As I raised the gun, I felt all my control melt away, almost like I was being controlled by something else.

The voice in my head, I realized, had taken over. I wasn't certain of it until the icy barrel of the old pistol rested, thin and glinting, on the bottom of my jaw, my hand turning it so any bullets fired would shoot vertically, into my skull.

Dizzily, I considered if it would be painful to die. The aspect of dying seemed so irrelevant before. Risking my life several times a week took away the urgency of avoiding death. But now, I was beginning to seriously consider how it would feel.

I inhaled slowly as the ache returned, crushing me, suppressing my flow of air. I felt hollow. I couldn't bring back the memory of a few hours ago, of the roof, the sunset, or the feeling of contentment. Only the sound of the rain etched its way into my head, along with the ticking of the clock, though there weren't windows or clocks in the wide room. And the only feeling I could remember was emptiness.

Why? Why was this tearing me apart? Why did Speedy's life mean so much more now? Was it my conscience again, opening the floodgates and letting all of the guilt that I hadn't had before catch up with me?

"_You didn't do anything to yourself, did you?"_ he had previously asked.

"Yes," I answered aloud, gulping, setting my finger against the trigger, pressing a tiny bit harder.

The voice in my head was telling me to shoot first and ask questions later. But there wouldn't be a later. Not for me. Maybe the voice meant that the rest of the team could ask questions later. Though, the twins wouldn't be mature enough to understand it—not fully, at least. Bumblebee… She would be angry, and then sad.

And Speedy.

I let out the breath I had subconsciously held and set the gun back in its case, closing the glass in front of it.

"_You didn't do anything to yourself, did you?"_ he repeated.

I smirked and turned to the door. "Not yet, I didn't."

————————

It's my firm belief that every writer should, at one point in their life, name a chapter "Trigger." I mean, isn't that a great chapter title? It's exciting, but also really enticing. Plus, it goes with anything—emotional triggers, memory triggers, gun triggers; pretty much anything that starts off a chain reaction.

Sorry to waste time on something so idiotic, but it's true… (sighs)


	15. Blood & Glass

**Chapter Fifteen: Blood & Glass**

_Speedy_

On the edge of consciousness, I lay in the bed, feeling nauseous; wishing the person in my head with the jackhammer would just shut the damn thing off. It was my pulse, I realized, throbbing through my head. Something painful was in my arm; when I tried to move, someone's hand was on my shoulder, gently holding me against the bed. They were speaking, though the sound didn't register.

My throat tightened as a strange amount of fear coursed through me. I heard distant beeping grow quicker, only beginning to slow after I deliberately deepened my breathing.

It came sharply, the knowledge of where I was. It was a hospital—I don't know which one, or how I got there.

My wrists… something about them? They were wrapped in gauze, I knew—I couldn't bend them. Lots of blood… and glass, I remembered. I was looking at the picture—but it was ripped, and when I picked it up the glass went into my arm. But the picture… Aqualad? He had left. He had left out the window. He had… oh, shit.

I gasped, inhaling so quickly, it hurt. My eyes shot open and I could see the beige, patterned ceiling of the hospital room, and then Bee's face above me, leaning over me.

"Welcome back," she murmured, squeezing my hand. "As soon as you're—"

"Where's Aqualad?"

She stared at me. "What? Speedy, I don't know what happened with you two, but that's what I wanted to ask you ab—"

"Where _is_ he?"

"He's back at the Tower, okay? Just relax!" She gestured to the screen showing the sudden quickening of my pulse. I watched it slow again, not speaking, letting my head fall back against the pillow.

"What happened?" she asked finally. "I mean, I never thought you'd slit your wrist, but—"

"Slit my wrist?" I laughed. "Of course I wouldn't. It was the picture frame—it was broken on the table, but I didn't see it, and accidentally set my arm on it…"

"But what does Aqualad have to do with any of it?"

"He…" I sighed, shaking my head, sitting up as quickly as the interconnecting tubes would let me. "I just need to talk to him. Can he come here? Or can I go back home?"

"He can't come here," Bee said, suddenly dark. "And I don't know when you'll be allowed back home."

"Isn't he alone there, though?"

She nodded.

"How long have I…?"

"You've been here since last night. It's about a quarter till three right now—the afternoon," she laughed quietly, gesturing to the window. "Not that you could tell from all this rain."

I couldn't find it in me to let out even the smallest of chuckles. "Bee…"

She was instantly intent on my face. "What's wrong?"

I held up the hand that was free of wires and waved it loosely. "Nothing important—don't look at me like I'm dying. That's a bit of an overreaction."

"Sorry. You were saying?"

"I think… Aqualad, I think he…" I winced and shook my head, looking away. "Forget it. It's stupid."

"No, I want to know!"

I shook my head again.

"Just tell me, will you? _You_ brought it up—it'd be unfair not to continue."

I turned to look at her, raising my free hand to her chin and pulled her face closer to mine, turning my head, my lips close to hers. "If someone did this," I began, "and if they actually did it because they wanted to, and not because they were showing an example…" I leaned back into the pillow, letting my hand fall from her face. "What would it mean?"

She stared blankly at me, bewildered. "Well… _why_?"

"This is going to sound stupid," I warned, feeling a blush start to flame across my face, "but Aqualad did that, and I thought, well… that he was going to… kiss me."

"He did _what_? But—he said he did something stupid, and… was that it?"

I shrugged and tried to keep an indifferent expression. "He said _I_ was the stupid one, not seeing why he… why he had suddenly made a point of not being gay."

"But after he kissed you—"

"He didn't kiss me!" I hastily corrected. "He wouldn't!"

"Fine… after he _almost_ kissed you…" She paused, waiting for another correction. But I just looked away and tried to ignore her stare. "Did he go to his room?"

"Yeah. I was in the hallway, trying to get him to open the door."

"And that's when he said—"

"That I was stupid and that he was straight? Yeah."

"And then…?"

"Listen, Bee," I muttered, still turned away. "I really don't feel like talking."

"Oh."

I heard her stand, sighing, and then go to the door of the room. "Do you need anything?"

"No, thanks."

"Well… I guess I'll go see what Aqualad's up to."

I didn't answer. My wrist and head suddenly hurt, and I wanted nothing more than to speak with Aqualad about… _any_thing. But seeing as Bee would probably shoot him if he got within a few miles of the place, I figured that wasn't a realistic desire.

I closed my eyes, laid my head back, and took in a slow breath. I had no choice but to wait.


	16. Asphyxiation

**Chapter Sixteen: Asphyxiation**

_Aqualad_

I can't remember how I got to the hospital. I was just there, standing at the front desk, asking the tired-looking woman for Speedy's room number. She told me that visiting hours were over, but gave the number anyway—probably sensing something urgent.

Maybe I was blacking out too much—I was instantly at the door, hand on the knob, finally taking the situation in. Either Speedy was almost dead or completely fine. I silently cursed for forgetting to ask at the desk.

I took a breath; it let my mind think more clearly. I had some choices that I didn't know about before—I could never tell him, or I could tell him when he got home from the hospital. But I knew I couldn't wait that long. I couldn't manage to keep from going back into that Confiscated Items room, especially if I was alone.

Rejection suddenly came to mind—what if he didn't like me? I smirked at the thought, but aside from the cheesy phrasing, it was valid. What if he liked someone else, like Starfire or Raven or even another, unfamiliar girl? Wouldn't I just be back at the same dark place, pointing a gun at my head?

I took another deep breath—I felt like I was suffocating again. My heart leapt sporadically, uneven thuds hitting my ribs. The desire to open the door was overwhelming, even if it was just to see him once and leave without an exchange of words. Even if he ordered me out, even if he wasn't stable—I needed to know how he was.

_You're an idiot_, I mentally reminded myself, and hesitantly entered the room.

My systems flooded from relief, leaving me frozen, trying to take in enough oxygen. He was sleeping in silence, his chest rising and falling under the off-white bedding. He looked so peaceful.

But then his expression changed for a fraction of a second. For that instant, he seemed pained and sympathetic, somehow, as if his dream was reality.

I sat at the chair next to his bed, watching his face for another glimpse into his subconscious. And there it was again—the hurt expression.

_What is it?_ I so desperately wanted to ask. _How can you make that face?_

I knew he had more than enough reason to be in pain, whether it be mental or physical—it was because of me. I'd tried to kiss him and then I'd left him in my room. It was my fault that he was in the hospital—it was all my fault.

"Do you know that?" I wondered aloud.

His eyelids twitched. I stood, backing away from the bed, terrified as he blinked his eyes open. The fear was irrational—I'd chosen to come just to see him, hadn't I? I should've been happy that he was awake, not scared.

"Bee?" he vaguely wondered, blinking his eyes open, his sight slowly adjusting to the dim lighting. As soon as he saw me, he flung himself upright with wide eyes, taking a second look at me. I just stood there, frozen, hand clenched around the door handle in case—in case what? I didn't know.

And then he smiled, and it made it even harder to breathe. "Bee—she doesn't know you're here," he said slowly, "does she?"

Blinking, I shook my head. "No. She doesn't know." My voice sounded odd; my throat was too tight.

"Why are you here? Won't she kill you for coming, or something?" He laughed.

"No, she won't," I answered, adding in _at least, not before I do it myself_ silently.

There was an awkward pause, as if he was waiting for something. "Why are you here?" he repeated.

"I…" My mind went blank. I knew why I was here, of course, but he couldn't know that. "I'm… I'm sorry," I filled in stupidly, gesturing to his wrist, slowly taking a seat in the chair beside the bed again. "If I hadn't—"

"It's not your fault," he smiled. My chest ached a bit more. "I was an idiot for not seeing the glass…"

"B-but I broke the glass," I muttered, leaning back and crossing my arms. I could barely look him in the eye and it made me feel guilty to sit next to him.

"Are you okay?" His uninjured hand pressed against my forehead. "You feel too warm."

"I'm fine," I yelped, shoving away. I was on my feet again, back pressed against the wall, heartbeat pounding in my head.

"You don't look fine…"

"But I am!" I argued, breathing shallowly again. "I'm perfectly fine!"

He pushed aside the covers on the bed, coming closer. I inched away, caught in the mixed desires to hold him and get away from him.

"You-you're supposed to be resting," I said, but he ignored it. Raising a hand to keep him away, I finally ran into the door, the handle jabbing my spine unpleasantly. Without thinking, I twisted forward, colliding with him.

"S-sorry!" I whispered hoarsely.

He raised a brow, his lips pursed. "Something's not… right."

I shook my head. "No," I laughed, trying to contradict him pleasantly. "Everything's fine."

"No, it's not."

"Well," I shrugged, "you were acting freaky before, too. Maybe it's contagious."

He nodded doubtfully. "Of course it is."

————————

I'll admit right now that this is an awkwardly-placed ending. (Sorry…)

So, there's one more chapter to update after this one in my "TAOS's Magical Steak of Updated-ness." (By the time you read this, it should be up.) You'll see why I'm so evil when you read where I cut it off.

Mmm, cliffhangers…

Oh, and if anyone can spot the irony between chapters fourteen, fifteen and sixteen, they automatically get a box of cookies, or pocky, or something. (It's only a line or two in each chapter, and it was completely unintentional…)


	17. Full Circle

**Chapter Seventeen: Full Circle**

_Speedy_

After a long silence, I had returned to my bed and was staring at the wall, waiting for Aqualad to say something. I wanted to say something, too, but only if I was absolutely sure I was correct.

He was acting exactly like I had acted before, when I was freaking out about being in love with him. My fear had been that he'd find out about it, so what was _his_?

Maybe Bee had told him I loved him? But no—Bee wouldn't do anything like that. So maybe he found out on his own?

I shook my head slightly and looked out the window—the sky was darker than it was before.

If Aqualad knew… well, he couldn't. I mean, he wasn't the type to find out about something that upset him and not say something. He was really the opposite—if there was something he disliked, he acted instantly, even if it was thoughtless.

Unless… maybe… he wasn't completely against the idea of us being together…

I took my eyes off the window long enough to sneak a furtive glance at him; he'd been sitting in silence next to me, looking down at his folded hands.

He must've felt my eyes on him; he looked up, startled but slightly hopeful. "What?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, waving it off with my free hand. Somehow, I knew that he would confront the problem instantly, whether he liked the idea or not. But if he hadn't figured it out, why was he here? He wouldn't go against Bee's direct orders for nothing.

I looked at him again and was surprised to see him already looking back, wearing an expression like he wanted to say something, but couldn't.

"Do you need to tell me something?" I asked, harmlessly enough.

His eyes got wide and he jerked back in his chair, his face turning an odd shade of pink. He shoved his chair back with unnecessary force before rushing to the door. "No—of course not—what would I have to say? I'm thirsty—I'm going to go get something to—"

"Aqualad," I barked, pushing myself out of bed.

He winced, fingers curled around the handle, and slowly turned to look at me.

"Calm down," I chuckled. "Drinks can wait for a minute, right? I need to tell you something."

He looked pained, but turned more fully towards me. I couldn't help but notice his hand still on the door's handle. His knuckles had turned a chalky white.

"Well," I began, not exactly sure where I should start. "This is kind of hard to explain, but I'm going to try—because if I tell you at the Tower, I might get punched, but here… you wouldn't hurt the wounded, right?"

His face didn't change, besides the fact that he was getting slightly paler.

"That was a joke," I muttered. "Kind of… Anyway, I also figure I should tell you, because otherwise it'll just be awkward—not that this will help, but it'll clear the air a bit… Or, it should."

I was rambling, and I knew it. "What I mean to say… is that when I asked you to stay away from me before, and when I was acting like I hated you… well, I didn't."

His expression still stayed the same; I turned around, rubbing my eyes. I didn't really want to see his reaction.

"Actually, it's kind of the opposite of hate. I'm…" I took a breath and closed my eyes. "I'm in love with you, instead. And I wanted to tell you, but I thought it would be weird—I mean, we're teammates, _and_ we're both guys… And I still wanted to be friends with you if the feeling wasn't mutual—and I'm pretty sure it's not, but—"

I heard the click of the door opening and then fast, heavy footsteps. I looked over my shoulder in time to see the door beginning to close—Aqualad was gone.

I bit my lip, shrugged, and then sighed. "He must've been really thirsty," I said quietly. I knew it was a lie, but it hurt to think about him leaving me… again.

————————

Well, that's it for "TAOS's Magical Steak of Updated-ness," I guess—at least until next week. I have the next chapter, but it's too, I don't know, dramatic at this point. (It makes me laugh, though. Aqualad has a nice, 135-word rant in all caps… it's great… _And_ they swear a lot. Wh-hoo!)


	18. Repercussions

**Chapter Eighteen: Repercussions**

_Aqualad_

The elevator ride was torture. I was the only one in the tiny little room, forced to stare into my own eyes—whoever had designed the place had made the visitor elevator have mirrors on all four sides.

I was scared of my eyes—they were too knowing; the voice in my head was back and screaming orders in another language.

I slumped onto the floor of the damned box and leaned back against one of the paneled walls, trying to breathe. It was stupid, to be so shocked. But how could he say it so easily? Was he trying to make me more miserable?

And I just ran away again. I didn't even let him finish—but what would the point of that be? As soon as he said _'I'm in love with you,'_ the rest of it became a blur.

The elevator doors finally opened, but I froze in horror before I could move. It was only the second floor, and the person getting on was Bee.

She stepped inside and was reaching for the panel of buttons when she realized the other passenger was me. She spun on me as the doors slid shut, practically kicking me.

"Stand up!" she screamed. "Do you know how stupid it was coming here? I wasn't too worried when the Tower seemed empty, but then you were really gone—and the sensors had said you'd gone into the Confiscated Items room? You know damn well that all of those cases are tagged in the security system, so what the hell were you doing with the case of guns?"

She grabbed my arm and forced me to stand when the doors on the first floor opened. She hauled me out, unnecessarily rough. As soon as we got outside, she shoved me away.

"Do you have it now?" she yelled. The area was empty—we'd gone out the back entrance. "What did you do with the gun?"

"It's in the case," I growled. "I didn't shoot anyone."

"Why did you come here, then? To visit Speedy? To make sure he was okay? And what were you going, sulking in the elevator like that?"

"I didn't do anything."

She frowned, her voice slightly quieter. "Did you talk to Speedy?"

I didn't answer right away; her hand flew across my face, but the slap didn't hurt.

"What did you say to him? You fucking—"

I shoved away from her, storming into the parking lot. "I didn't say anything to him!"

"You are such a liar!" She grabbed my arm and yanked me back.

Something in my head snapped—I twisted out of her grip and turned it on her, shoving her against the brick side of the building. My arm was pressed against her throat while the other held both her hands.

"I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!" I roared, inches from her face. Her eyes turned from angry to frightened, but I pretended not to see. "_Don't_ fucking tell me what to do, okay? I came here to see him and that's all! I didn't even mean to talk to him! I was just going crazy not knowing how he was, and you didn't call, or tell me!" I could feel my throat tightening and dropped my tone to a hiss. "Before, on the roof… I almost kissed him… And then I realized that I was fucking gay and it was all my fault that he was in the hospital and so I come here and expected to just make sure he was okay but he woke up and then confessed his fucking love for me, and then I all I did was run away—again!—and then you came along and started yelling at me!"

I took a breath and stumbled away from her, my vision blurring. I took three steps and then sank to the ground, unable to hold myself up anymore. "I know it's all my fault… but what the hell am I supposed to _do_? You just wouldn't let me fucking see him…"

After a moment, Bee knelt by my side, staring at me.

"And…" I said, closing my eyes, feeling tears streak down my face. "And when you guys left me all alone at the Tower, that's when I went to get the gun… and I just held it there, almost pulling the trigger, ready to kill myself… and then I couldn't, because I knew I had to apologize to Speedy before I died, and explain to him how much I deserved that bullet…"

I felt her arms around me, pulling me closer. I let my head fall onto her shoulder, shaking and pathetic.

"And on the elevator?" she asked, almost scared to know the answer.

I didn't bother to lift my head. "I was trying to think of ways to die."

"What?"

I shook my head, unable to speak for a minute.

"Aqualad, what do you mean…?"

"That bullet's too good for me now," I mumbled, pulling away. "I ran away—I felt him alone again."

I looked at her for a moment, my eyes still blurry. But I could still see the tears brimming in her eyes.

She pulled me closer again, this time beginning to cry, holding onto the front of my sweatshirt like it was her only anchor. "I'm sorry," she whispered between sobs. "I can't believe… I should've let you… I'm so sorry…"

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It shocks me that people are still reading this... but I'm glad. :3


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